Just Deal With It, Sister.
So, today I found out that something that I really, really, REALLY TRULY want to happen, isn't going to happen no matter how much I wish and hope and pray and beg and steal and borrow. I had sort of figured out the bad news on my own in advance, but today the final verdict came in form of a cold and impersonal email pretty much saying, "You suck." Even though I'd wrapped my mind around the idea that in all likelihood I was not going to get what I want, it's the words in text to be read again and again, over and over, for as long as I leave it in my inbox, that burn like little red hot pokers on my ice cold skin. Not only do I now have the knowledge that a very important opportunity simply isn't going to occur, but NOW I have the email to look at, every day, to remind me of the deprivation and my general overall inadequacy. Every day I will now have the opportunity to, with the click of the mouse, remind myself just how much of a colossal failure I am (even though, of course, I am just upset at this moment and the news I received really truly doesn't mean that I'm a failure if I'm using my better judgement....which I will one day).
If you think about it (and try to get past it by making it relate to something else which it is really not related to in any sort of way at all because if you don't all will be for naught) that email in my inbox is a lot like those less-than-stellar race results that we all have floating around out there in cyberspace, eternally there to mock us at every turn. I know that at this very moment I currently have no less than five race results that will smack me right in the face with embarrassment if I dare Google-stalk myself. Not to self: Right now, coupled with this morning's news, DO NOT DO THIS...your self-esteem can't take two hits this brutal in one day. But I digress....back to those pesky race results. When race directors first started publishing results online, I'll admit I thought it was the BEST. THING. EVER. And it was, as it made comparing yourself to others so much easier. Instead of simply comparing yourself to your own previous times, NOW you could compare yourself to every other woman your age. Or every other female. Or every other person running the race, elites, too. The madness was underway. Now, every time you run an organized race, your time is out there for everyone to see and for you to perpetually access to relive joy of victory or the agony of defeat.
Being an uber competitive person, I fell into the trap just like 99.9% of you. I'd seethe if I had a time I was unhappy with, like usual, but that was to be compounded by the knowledge that it was now on the Internet, too, visible to anyone who gave two flips enough to look. This fact kept me from running more than a few races that I thought might be fun to run but for which I knew I was not well-enough trained to actually achieve a decent finishing time. There were, along the way, a few exceptions. Like the time I ran a half-marathon on Saturday and then agreed to run one "just for fun" on Sunday, finishing as a group with my best running buddies.That was the exception, never the rule. Owning slow times in order to enjoy the race or have fun as a group? Rare indeed.
Recently, though, I ran a Saint Patrick's Day 10K which, of course, published the results online. The point of running was to be with my husband and encourage him to a PR on his own 10K time, which is slower than I generally run. However, this time, I was earnestly more concerned about his success than whatever time I might finish with because he had been working hard with a training group and this was his goal race. I guess that this the key in all of this Internet-race-time business....seeing success for what it really is on that day. And at that point in your life. No on who looks up your race-time is going to know what you were going through on that day, whether or not that race was a goal race or just an opportunity to have a great time with great friends. Or to support your mate in his goal. Or just because that is the time you got. Running that race with my husband helped me truly realize that we each run every race for different reasons, and quite often that reason isn't about getting a PR or being faster than some girl we know who only lives to make you feel slower than her. Race times are about so much more than just about the number that is on the clock when you cross the finish line. It's about what the journey from the start was intended to be about. And often the numbers simply aren't it.
At the end of the day, all those race times floating around out in cyberspace are just that...times. Cold hard numbers that indicate a tick of the clock. Nothing more. They aren't definitions of you or your race, where you've come from or where you are going. And more power to those heartless runners who troll active.com to search for people they know so they can either mock them or envy them. One day the running gods will have field day with their souls. It won't be pretty, either.
Remember that email? I just deleted it. Onward and upward my friends. Run strong, love life, and enjoy the ride....
CharityontheRun
Recently, though, I ran a Saint Patrick's Day 10K which, of course, published the results online. The point of running was to be with my husband and encourage him to a PR on his own 10K time, which is slower than I generally run. However, this time, I was earnestly more concerned about his success than whatever time I might finish with because he had been working hard with a training group and this was his goal race. I guess that this the key in all of this Internet-race-time business....seeing success for what it really is on that day. And at that point in your life. No on who looks up your race-time is going to know what you were going through on that day, whether or not that race was a goal race or just an opportunity to have a great time with great friends. Or to support your mate in his goal. Or just because that is the time you got. Running that race with my husband helped me truly realize that we each run every race for different reasons, and quite often that reason isn't about getting a PR or being faster than some girl we know who only lives to make you feel slower than her. Race times are about so much more than just about the number that is on the clock when you cross the finish line. It's about what the journey from the start was intended to be about. And often the numbers simply aren't it.
At the end of the day, all those race times floating around out in cyberspace are just that...times. Cold hard numbers that indicate a tick of the clock. Nothing more. They aren't definitions of you or your race, where you've come from or where you are going. And more power to those heartless runners who troll active.com to search for people they know so they can either mock them or envy them. One day the running gods will have field day with their souls. It won't be pretty, either.
Remember that email? I just deleted it. Onward and upward my friends. Run strong, love life, and enjoy the ride....
CharityontheRun
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