Running Toward Myself

A Note From Below


Dear CharityOnTheRun,

We are old friends, you and I. We've been through it all together. I was there when you took your very first steps, supporting you and providing you with a strong and firm foundation to go out and explore the world and all its newness. I cheered you on when you ran down the hallway on that first day of elementary school. I supported you completely as you put in the tireless, long, and sometimes lonely hours of chasing down your dream of getting that college basketball scholarship you dreamed of and worked for in your youth. With each jump shot, turn-around, and lay-up, I was there. On every defensive stop and all of those jumping rebounds, I was there. I was your rock. Your foundation.

Sure, sure....you are quick to point out all of those times I "let you down." All of those times I was too weak or fragile to give you the true support you really needed. Even if I wasn't as strong as you always wanted me to be, I was always there for you, working to come back stronger so that I could be more supportive of you. I worked hard to become more stable in myself so that together we could keep chasing down that dream of playing on the college hardwood one day.

And we did it, didn't we? Me and You! All of those long, hard hours. All of that blood...all of that sweat...all of that pain...all of those tears! We earned that scholarship. Just the two of us. Oh, those were happy times. The smiles, the slaps on the back. I just knew we were going to do great things one day...just me and you. But then, yes, I let you down again. And this time there was no glossing over the fact that I was the weak link in our plan. All of those grand ideas weren't going to happen. All of those times I'd let you down before paled in comparison to this time. When you needed me most, I failed you. And it was epic.

 Although I wasn't there for you during that time, I was still "there." I watched the woman you were becoming and I waited, knowing that some day you'd need me. Knowing that some day you'd get over the hurt and the pain I'd caused you and ask me to be a part of your life again. All those years, waiting. But, finally, that day came! Your trust was restored, your priorities adjusted. I can't tell you how much it for you to ask me back into your life...to again trust in me enough to let me help you achieve your goals. How much it meant for you to NEED me again.

And I didn't blow it...not right away, anyway. Quickly, it was just like old times. But this time, instead of all those jump shots and rebounds, we were doing REAL work...we were logging mile after mile...running and becoming stronger and healthier and faster. And, in the process, we learned a lot about ourselves. We weren't just trying to win a scholarship. No, this time, we weren't working toward a finite goal. We were building a lifestyle. And I was right there, again, by your side, every step of the way. We were on a roll and we had the whole world in the palm of our hand.

That's when it happened, as so many things in life often do. Right when things were at their best, right when we were on top of the world, my old demons revisited me and this time there was no amount of forgiveness that would fix what I did. I failed you. I failed you beyond words. I ripped out your heart with my betrayal. I'd been given my second chance, and for a second time, I blew it.

You were there for me during that dark time. You did what you could to help me repair myself so that I could "seem" like my old self again. You took me to the doctor, you helped me get back to something resembling myself, all with the hopes that one day, maybe, you could trust me again. And it sort of worked. We tried to rebuild our fractured relationship, we ran a few races, but it wasn't the same. It was as if you always knew that one day, again, I'd let you down. I'd repeat my old ways and not be there when you needed me the most. I can't imagine what it was like for you to live like that for so many years...doubting me...doubting my strength all while working so hard to become stronger yourself.

That's why, after all of these stops and starts, after all the times I've let you down and you've stood by my side while we picked up the pieces together....that's why I'm telling you I need help. Like an addict falling prey to their addiction once more, I know it's coming. There have been signs, and through all of the issues in my past, I've learned to take notice of them. I've been trying to tell you subtly. I haven't wanted to scare you like I did in the past. We don't need that now, after all of this time. We've learned from one another. You've stuck by me, and I've learned to trust in you, too. That's why this time I'm trusting you fully. I need help, Charity. My demons are coming for me one more time. But this time, it'll be different. Half of the battle is in admitting there is a problem, so I'm doing that right now. Won't you help me?

Your friend always,
Your Right Ankle